Room 1029: Esmeralda's Prophecy

It's on my must-do list at Disneyland (besides Indiana Jones and Soarin', of course). I have to plop in a quarter and get my fortune "read" by Esmeralda in the glass booth in front of the Penny Arcade on Main Street. She is the female Zoltar (weren't expecting a Big reference, were you?) and is closely akin to Catherine Zeta-Jones in the looks department, albeit with head scarf and only her top half. Once the quarter is deposited she makes some jerky movements, turning her head from side to side and then a white card pops out at the bottom. Instant fortune! (And "one of my lucky numbers"! Only twenty-five cents, folks. By far the cheapest souvenir on Disney property.) I currently possess 16 of these babies, dating back to when I first moved here in 2002. I've had some repeats (C'mon give Esmeralda a break!) such as four that begin with the quote "Ideals are like a shining star, which most us worship from afar"...whatever. But every once in a while, Essie gets specific: "You will meet with one who will love you. That love will be returned by you. The first name of this person begins with M and you will be introduced at a place of amusement". Apparently Micky Mouse and I are destined for one another.

Amenities of Room 1029: Coin operated bed. Free Disney Channel. No dimes and nickels, please. Plenty of false hope.

Room 1198: Curves

Yep. I go to Curves. Or Curvin', as I like to call it. And I'm not a stay-at-home mom. I just really took to the idea of being in and out of a gym in 30 minutes. And it's a pretty true 30 minutes. There's a benevolent voice that tells you to "Change stations now" every 30 seconds. It's very Maoist work camp without the uniforms. It's really the exercise equivalent to GarAnimals. Which is exactly what I need: a seemingly pleasant disembodied voice telling me when to move and when to check my pulse. With the soundtrack of jingle singers' re-recorded pop tunes playing in the background. Have you ever ran in place to a jazzed up version of "Send in the Clowns" complete with drum machine beat? I have!
Now the Curves I go to (and it's the only one I've been to) is really girly. As in pastel green and pink walls, holiday decorations and Hello Kitty. Now I have a past with Hello Kitty. She was my first book report in kindergarten (probably my best, too) and I did have a Hello Kitty themed birthday...only a few short years ago. (Side note: not my idea but I appreciated it. Everyone was told to bring HK gifts. And I still wear my HK stocking hat today....I mean, literally today. SoCal is still nippy in the mornings.) So Curvin' with The Kitty doesn't rankle me. The seasonal decorations are a little elementary school but charming. There is also a mannequin set up in the corner that has a very impressive wardrobe of holiday attire (She is currently decked out in a strange St. Patty's / Easter combo: Pink hair, green boa). But the Curvers-That-Be tend to take it too far in the winter: in the storefront gym that is my Curves, they display a giant inflatable Turkey followed closely by giant inflatable Snowglobe come Christmas. That's...extreme. Oh, and did I mention the Buddha in the middle of the room that is currently sporting bunny ears?

Amenities of Room 1198: Free Curves Keychain Card. Drag-Queen Religious Idol Decor. Room only available by the half hour.

Room 1263: Leap Day

At one point today, I was the only one working out and then later I was the only one in the laundrymat. Did Leap Day erase some of the population? Maybe some people can't handle 366. (I just got up to double check if I spelled laundrymat correctly...but my dictionary is useless...laundryman? laundrywoman? but no laundrymat. And then it hit me that I was at a computer and there is something nutty called the internet and it could probably tell me the spelling...and it is laundrOmat. I knew it didn't look right. But now it begs the question: Why the "o" and not the "y"? I don't have dirty laundro...)

Oh, and one more thing about Leap Day: I feel for the people born today and have to suffer the lame you're-only-(insert 1/4 of age here)-today jokes. But I don't feel for them if they are the ones making the joke.

This is the last thing, I swear: Martha Stewart decided to do a frog theme for Leap Day. I didn't watch but I'm sure there was a Frog Leg recipe and a how-to stenciled frog toilet seat cover.

OK, so I lied: I wonder how many of those Leap Day birthies actually calculated their exact age by subtracting three days for every four years of their life. And then celebrate their birthday accordingly. Because, as much as I hate to admit, my younger self would probably be all over that. Me now? Not so much. I'm not a stickler for age or birthdays. I just want to be taken out to dinner. Free Food! (I think I have stumbled upon a running gag...)

Amenities of Room 1263: One Night Free. And this special doesn't happen every year.

Room 1342: Photo Booth

I'm not sure what's worse: Using a photo from MacBook'sPhoto Booth for your Facebook profile or specifically taking a Photo Booth photo for your Facebook profile. Oh yes, I did. And I believe I worked on that photo for more than one minute...more like thirty. Oh Saturday nights! Why must you be so full of time?
A week ago, I decided to join the crazy kids and their Facebookin'. But I didn't have a decent picture. Enter Photo Booth. Because decent picture automatically equals Sepia Tone apparently. (I also went nutty with the B&W and the "Pop Art" feature. And I used props...) The best part (translated: saddest part)? I was thoroughly amused. I even dragged my poor dog into it. She gave me a look like "Shouldn't you be out?" Oh Mallory. Anyway, I took a good twenty of these pics. It really brought out the misunderstood-artsy-only friend out of town-thirteen year old inside me. I was going for "artistic" shots of me looking moody (which were originally intended to be my sexy look but that was not the outcome) and those oh-so-creative half-face shots (you know, the "here's only one eye! I'm edgy!") The whole experience took me back to about two months ago when a co-worker showed me a You Tube video of some preteen in her room singing some High School Musical song. We laughed. We mocked. And in my case, thanked God that I didn't have a video camera and that You Tube didn't exist in Junior High. Because that would have been me. I cringe to think what my "Hungry Like the Wolf" video would look like. I bet there would have been a lot of zooming and slo-mo...and props.

Amenities of Room 1342: Ample closets for wardrobe changes. Track lighting for provocative shadows. And Duran Duran on radio.

Room 833: Ms. Basswoman, the Sequel

Worried, weren't you? Thought I wouldn't do it, did you? Well, in your face! I bought a damn bass guitar. I went to about ten different Targets in the Valley to find one. And I'm on about ten different Target security tapes looking very disappointed in the electronics section. They had regular guitars, acoustic and electric, even a keyboard or two but no bass. They used to have them. I swear. Who would imagine that? More specifically, who would waste a good delusion on that? I thought all hope was lost. (And before you say a word: yes, I've heard of Craigslist. Yes, I know what a Guitar Center is. But I had to fulfill all aspects of my dream...) Hello, Target.com! Oh yes, they had them. More than one kind (which surprised the hell out of me). So I order myself the, wait for it, Silvertone ("Rockin' Since 1949") Revolver Bass & Amplifier in Colbalt Blue! Not only did it come with the amp but also an electric tuner, carrying case, sassy strap, instructional DVD with some dude who is probably in his eighth band, and a tiny little ziploc bag filled with colorful picks! Basically, I bought myself a Bar Mitzvah gift. I am pretty damn sure I'm the only female over thirty that bought this set for herself. (I hope I didn't destroy an eleven year old suburban boy's dream by buying the last one.) So I'm teaching myself to play and I've even told people about it. Hell, I even rocked the C Major scale for some co-workers. And no need to fret, Future Therapist, I'm sure there will be plenty of other unresolved issues for you to tackle...

Amenities of Room 833: Icy Hot for Sore Fingers. Soundproofed walls. And full length mirror for Rock Posturing.

Room 755: Bridal Expo

I'm not making this up. I went this past Saturday at the LA Convention Center. Now before you start congratulating me, just know that I did not have the little "Bride" sticker with the heart on it. I did my good friend duty and went with Krista who is getting married (We think...the ring has not yet materialized. Yes, I know but I'm taking her word for it). And to be honest, I was curious as hell. And she sold me with the "cake tasting" angle (Free Food! Poor Man's Mentality shows up again!). So besides the huge room of various DJ, flower, photog vendors, there was a cheesy fashion show (Where I assume old America's Next Top Model girls go when the show is over) as well as the Embarass the Poor Saps That Were Forced to Come Here With Their Fiance (Yes, they made three of these dudes get up on the catwalk and dance to the cackles and whistles of the ladies...I bowed my head in shame). Thankfully (I guess) all of that didn't last long because Susie Hanson's Salsa Band was setting up for another set and we left. (Another thankfully: Krista was not into all that tacky stuff. She had an agenda and some taste.) And the third thankfully? We were there on Saturday so we would miss the Sunday "Cake Dive". I'm so glad you asked. The Cake Dive is a contest where 5 lucky ladies are chosen to dig through a wedding cake for a $5000 prize (the rumor was that it was jewelry and I don't really wear jewelry and also I would want to eat the cake so...) No Cake Dive, alas. So I spent the day following Krista around and minding the brouchure bag. And also, marvelling A) the big business that is weddings and B) the big business that is cheap looking, tacky weddings. But hey, she bought me lunch (PMM is now a registered trademark)!

Amenities of Room 755: Room decor by The Veil Lady. Your initials in lights on the floor. Dried bridal bouquets adorning the window. Directions to the Elopement Room.

Room 1425: She's Crafty!

Decoupage. That's right, I said it! I bought two plant stands at TJ Maxx a few years ago and I decoupaged the shit out of them! Well, just the tops really. I have mad love for cutting pics out of magazines and making collages. I find it very soothing, weirdly enough. The scissors and glue of it all. I guess I didn't spend enough time in Kindergarten. Anyway, I took these plant stands and pasted down some pictures from travel magazines. SLAM! New furniture! I hope I can stop myself...
Crafts are such a weird beast. You can't force crafts on people. My mom and I tried to teach crafts to kids at church a few times and boy, they weren't havin' it. One actually tried to throw me off the second story of the church. (That's a long story...needless to say, I'm not fond of anyone named Antoinette.) You have to find your own crafts. Because as much as I like pretty paper and can wander for hours in a stationary store/office supply store, I can't imagine me ever scrapbooking. The thought of it makes my skin crawl. I associate scrapbooking with holiday themed sweaters. And I hate, hate, hate the "thought balloon" stickers that they sell to put on your snapshots for "hilarity". I never ever thought the phrase "Party on, dude!" in my head and certainly not when that picture was taken, so why are you making me out to look like an ass? Sorry folks. Apparently these things make me angry. Where are my scissors?

Amenities of Room 1425: Collage Wallpaper curtesy of Budget Travel and Entertainment Weekly. Scattered Glue Peelings. This is a No Thought Balloon Room.