Room 833: Ms. Basswoman, the Sequel

Worried, weren't you? Thought I wouldn't do it, did you? Well, in your face! I bought a damn bass guitar. I went to about ten different Targets in the Valley to find one. And I'm on about ten different Target security tapes looking very disappointed in the electronics section. They had regular guitars, acoustic and electric, even a keyboard or two but no bass. They used to have them. I swear. Who would imagine that? More specifically, who would waste a good delusion on that? I thought all hope was lost. (And before you say a word: yes, I've heard of Craigslist. Yes, I know what a Guitar Center is. But I had to fulfill all aspects of my dream...) Hello, Target.com! Oh yes, they had them. More than one kind (which surprised the hell out of me). So I order myself the, wait for it, Silvertone ("Rockin' Since 1949") Revolver Bass & Amplifier in Colbalt Blue! Not only did it come with the amp but also an electric tuner, carrying case, sassy strap, instructional DVD with some dude who is probably in his eighth band, and a tiny little ziploc bag filled with colorful picks! Basically, I bought myself a Bar Mitzvah gift. I am pretty damn sure I'm the only female over thirty that bought this set for herself. (I hope I didn't destroy an eleven year old suburban boy's dream by buying the last one.) So I'm teaching myself to play and I've even told people about it. Hell, I even rocked the C Major scale for some co-workers. And no need to fret, Future Therapist, I'm sure there will be plenty of other unresolved issues for you to tackle...

Amenities of Room 833: Icy Hot for Sore Fingers. Soundproofed walls. And full length mirror for Rock Posturing.

Room 755: Bridal Expo

I'm not making this up. I went this past Saturday at the LA Convention Center. Now before you start congratulating me, just know that I did not have the little "Bride" sticker with the heart on it. I did my good friend duty and went with Krista who is getting married (We think...the ring has not yet materialized. Yes, I know but I'm taking her word for it). And to be honest, I was curious as hell. And she sold me with the "cake tasting" angle (Free Food! Poor Man's Mentality shows up again!). So besides the huge room of various DJ, flower, photog vendors, there was a cheesy fashion show (Where I assume old America's Next Top Model girls go when the show is over) as well as the Embarass the Poor Saps That Were Forced to Come Here With Their Fiance (Yes, they made three of these dudes get up on the catwalk and dance to the cackles and whistles of the ladies...I bowed my head in shame). Thankfully (I guess) all of that didn't last long because Susie Hanson's Salsa Band was setting up for another set and we left. (Another thankfully: Krista was not into all that tacky stuff. She had an agenda and some taste.) And the third thankfully? We were there on Saturday so we would miss the Sunday "Cake Dive". I'm so glad you asked. The Cake Dive is a contest where 5 lucky ladies are chosen to dig through a wedding cake for a $5000 prize (the rumor was that it was jewelry and I don't really wear jewelry and also I would want to eat the cake so...) No Cake Dive, alas. So I spent the day following Krista around and minding the brouchure bag. And also, marvelling A) the big business that is weddings and B) the big business that is cheap looking, tacky weddings. But hey, she bought me lunch (PMM is now a registered trademark)!

Amenities of Room 755: Room decor by The Veil Lady. Your initials in lights on the floor. Dried bridal bouquets adorning the window. Directions to the Elopement Room.

Room 1425: She's Crafty!

Decoupage. That's right, I said it! I bought two plant stands at TJ Maxx a few years ago and I decoupaged the shit out of them! Well, just the tops really. I have mad love for cutting pics out of magazines and making collages. I find it very soothing, weirdly enough. The scissors and glue of it all. I guess I didn't spend enough time in Kindergarten. Anyway, I took these plant stands and pasted down some pictures from travel magazines. SLAM! New furniture! I hope I can stop myself...
Crafts are such a weird beast. You can't force crafts on people. My mom and I tried to teach crafts to kids at church a few times and boy, they weren't havin' it. One actually tried to throw me off the second story of the church. (That's a long story...needless to say, I'm not fond of anyone named Antoinette.) You have to find your own crafts. Because as much as I like pretty paper and can wander for hours in a stationary store/office supply store, I can't imagine me ever scrapbooking. The thought of it makes my skin crawl. I associate scrapbooking with holiday themed sweaters. And I hate, hate, hate the "thought balloon" stickers that they sell to put on your snapshots for "hilarity". I never ever thought the phrase "Party on, dude!" in my head and certainly not when that picture was taken, so why are you making me out to look like an ass? Sorry folks. Apparently these things make me angry. Where are my scissors?

Amenities of Room 1425: Collage Wallpaper curtesy of Budget Travel and Entertainment Weekly. Scattered Glue Peelings. This is a No Thought Balloon Room.

Room 831: Ms. Basswoman

Is it too much to ask to be Kim Deal? I mean, Kim Deal without the nicotine addiction or the (rumored) anger management issues? I'm actually one of those weirdos who got into The Pixies after getting into The Breeders, her followup band. But I do a lot of things backwards...I was a breech baby. Anyway, I want to learn to play the bass, by far the sexiest instrument. And before you ask, I would learn with and without pick. I will go both bass ways. Last year when I got my bonus, I earmarked it for an iPod and a bass guitar and amp from Target (you heard me. Is it weird that the idea of having bought my bass from Target kind of turns me on? I may even decorate it with a bull's eye sticker just to drive the point home). But I chickened out. I was overcome with the same feeling I got when I tried to buy Bop magazine as a preteen. I can't let strangers know that I think boys are cute! I likened it to buying porn. (Side note: which I did only once...a Playgirl...in college...for a friend...and the only reason I could do it was because my brother worked at Barnes & Noble and I delighted in embarrassing him so much so that it cured me of any embarrassment). So when I went to buy my bass I felt like I was buying porn. Because buying it would be displaying to the world an intimate part of me. And Lord knows, that can't happen!

Amenities of Room 831: Magazine rack for all my issues. Clean ashtray. And heavy curtains suitable for hiding.

Janitor's Closet: MIA

Where the hell have I been? In moving hell, that's where. And I'm still in it...

Contents of the Janitor's Closet: Lots and friggin' lots of boxes. And at least five dog hairs in each one.

Room 1302: Free Food

Poor Man’s Mentality. I think that’s what it’s called. Well, whatever it is, I have it. And my biggest weakness is free food. Holy shit. Doesn’t matter what it is either. It’s free, right? So it must be good. Heaven forbid that you have a candy dish. Because yes, I will partake, thank you very much. And there’s that damn side table in the main office that always has some sort of chip/donut/hummus/chocolate something on it. I can’t just go in and check the mail like a normal person. I have to eat something. I have no shame about it either. Here’s a “for instance”: eating lunch on the plaza (I even think I was a good kid and brought my Lean Cuisine that day) when my coworker said that today was the day of the marketing department’s monthly potluck. The speculation over leftovers ensued. The anticipation over the “come and get it” email was torturous. Then as we were walking back to the annex, we could see people streaming out of the back doors heading to the marketing trailer. Shit! I started running. Seriously. I couldn’t let Finance get all the good stuff. And was I hungry? No, not really. I just ate. Didn’t matter, folks. It was free. And I couldn’t let the opportunity pass.

Amenities of Room 1302: Free room service (but you must bring your own fork). Shattered candy dish. Sorry, No Willpower allowed.

Room 987: English Premier League

OK. I've said it before: I love me some cutie English boys kicking a ball. And yes, it is very shallow of me to say but there it is. And because of watching cutie boys kick a ball, I started to care where the ball went. It all started in Summer 2005...one fateful day I was checking out what channels we got with our new cable. Fox Soccer Channel? Whatever. Oh, wait. English Premier League...cutie English boys kicking a ball. Yes, kids, that's all it took. I watched on and off for that whole season (seasons run August to May, FYI) and thought I would have the summer off. Oh no, my friend. World Cup 2006! Ah shit. So to back up a moment: after I discovered this whole new world of football (that's right I said it!), I got out a map to pick a team to root for (lame, I know). I wanted to back the team that would have been the closest to me distance-wise from where I stayed in London in 2000 for the Summer Acting Programme at the National Studio (impressed?). I have big love for London. So want to live there someday...Anyway, turns out the closest team to the University of London dorms (get used to this...I refer to London quite a lot...you're lucky I held back so far...) was Arsenal in North London. Arsenal is one of the biggies. So coolio, I'm set. I will back Arsenal and watch all of their games. But fate had other plans. Cut back to World Cup 2006. I'm rooting heavily for England and oh yeah, USA as well (ah, bless them. They weren't favored to do well and well, they didn't). England, at least, got to the quarterfinals and lost to Portugal in Penalty kicks (fucking Ronaldo). But all was not lost because I found Steven Gerrard! Number 4 on the England squad and, come to find out, number 8 and CAPTAIN of the Liverpool team (and now Steven Gerrard MBE - Member of the British Empire...Fun fact!). Oh, I tried to stay true to my Arsenal guys but remember, when it comes to this, I'm shallow. So I became a die hard Liverpool fan. Never been to Liverpool. Only know about because of the Beatles. But I will go someday; strictly for the chance to watch a match at Anfield. I am tingly just thinking about it.

Amenities of Room 987: Steven Gerrard action figure - still pristine in box. Fox Soccer Channel set to "favorites". Ill-folded map of England on the table.