Room 1391: The Kennedy Center Honors

They make me cry.

Also, I wonder if Barbra Streisand knows who Ne-Yo is.

Also, I wonder who designed the actual Kennedy Center Honors medal.

Also, I wonder if George W. Bush hates going to these things.

Also, I wonder if Twyla Tharp could look more embarrassed.

Also, I wonder why they didn't honor The Who and not specifically Roger Daltry and Pete Townsend. Just because the other two are dead doesn't mean they don't also deserve props.

Also, I wonder why they didn't say "The Electric Company" or "Easy Reader" during Morgan Freeman's segment. Instead, they said "children's television show" and showed him playing a vampire bathing in a casket.

Also, I wonder if anyone else left the room during George Jones' part.

Amenities of Room 1391: Big Box of Tissues. And a Sense of Wonder.

Room 946: The World According to Gorp

Gorp aka Trail Mix aka Peanuts, Raisins and M&Ms.

Want to know what Gorp means? It means Good Old Raisins and Peanuts. And I knew that. I don't know why. But the big question is: why no love for the M&Ms? Shouldn't it be Gormp? (Apparently, the M&Ms were added later where they quickly out-shined the other two ingredients which led to massive discarding of raisins and peanuts.)

OK. Just checked Wikipedia. It can also be Granola Oats Raisins and Peanuts or Gobs of Raw Protein. The next big question is: Gorp has a Wikipedia entry? I guess it existed for the sole purpose to verify my claims that it meant Good Old Raisins and Peanuts (or Good Ole Raisins and Peanuts back in Dickensian times). For the record, I didn't write the Wikipedia entry.

Amenities of Room 946: Guest Only Reading Pantry, Green Onion Rum Paste, Glass Onyx Rabbit Poster, Ghostly Oil Red Plaque.

Room 768: Girls Just Want To Have Fun

The movie.

It was on TV tonight. And I watched it. Out of irony, I think. I had seen it on cable when I was in junior high maybe once or twice. OK, that’s a lie. I apparently saw it many times because I knew some dialogue word for word. I was simultaneously shocked and embarrassed and a wee bit impressed. Girls Just Want To Have Fun is a simple story: new Girl tries out for dance show, pairs up with Bad Boy dance partner, Rich Bitch rival makes trouble, Girl and Bad Boy win spot on dance show and, not surprisingly, fall in love. With one or two montages thrown in. The Girl who is aching for a little joy is none other than Sarah Jessica Parker in her transition from Square Pegs brunette to blondish Carrie Bradshaw. The Bad Boy is Lee Montgomery who is somewhere trying to not be recognized from Girls Just Want To Have Fun. And the Rich Bitch rival is someone who would later be on General Hospital for a brief time. GJWTHF (it’s the new LOL or LMAO) also features a young Jonathan Silverman and a young and non-angry Shannon Doherty. Netflix-ing yet? But wait! It also stars a young Helen Hunt! She’s the kooky best friend that encourages Sarah Jessica Parker to rebel and sneak out to try out for Dance TV. (Side note: it’s apparently Helen Hunt week in my house. I watched Twister the other day while cleaning. It’s not a great movie but you can Swiffer to it. And speaking of “Young Suchandsuch”, Twisterhas a young Philip Seymour Hoffman in a role where I could have sworn he would be an actor who would annoy me in every film he’s in. Who knew he would be brilliant? And here’s a little “Six Degrees” for you: Twister features Jami Gertz with a bad Southern accent. Jami Gertz’s first big role was on Square Pegs!) So go ahead. Pop in GJWTHF. Take a trip back to a time when synthesizers ruled the soundtracks. Recall the words you didn’t realize you knew to the song “Dancin’ in Heaven” that underscores the big dance off climax. And revel in the glory of the ‘80’s. How ‘80’s? The end credits to Girls Just Want To Have Fun are on a lavender background.

Amenities of Room 768: TV with the Mad About You channel. Wake up call from Cyndi Lauper. And courtesy leg warmers.

Room 1432: The Magic Castle

In LA there is a place...a castle, if you will...where magicians gather. It goes by the very descriptive name The Magic Castle. You have to be a member to get in. Yep, a member. It's a club where people join so that they can do magic or see others do magic. (And there's a restaurant!) But if you are not a member you can go in with a guest pass. And someone usually knows someone who is a member. Seriously, you think there are Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon? I guarantee you there are Two Degrees to a Magic Castle Member. Now if you are like me, your vision of the place is probably like Medieval Times with a some dude dressed like Merlin inviting you into the World of Illuuuuuuuuuuusssions. Turns out there are no strolling characters. Although the bartender tries to keep up the act of a ghost that plays piano but it's not cringe-worthy (In fact, Irma, the ghost, is pretty good. Just give her ghost parrot a dollar and she'll even do Michael Jackson's Beat It). The decor is very Haunted Mansion meets Sardi's except sans fake cobwebs and the caricatures on the wall are of famous magicians (there's a mini-alter to Harry Blackstone who used to be big in the '70s. It was he and Doug Henning that were the biggies that would hit the Merv Griffin Show and the Mike Douglas Show. I also seem to recall some "variety" specials. Now all we have is David Blaine. Oh '70s, I miss your grade of cheese). The layout of the castle is kind of Winchester Mystery House: there's an upstairs and a downstairs and another downstairs and weird hallways and rooms and creepy dolls. Yeah, I couldn't concentrate on some guy showing me card tricks because there was an old creepy doll displayed on the wall. There are a few different show venues within the Castle. A small one had a Fabio wannabe with crazy bling do card tricks up close and I still have no idea how he did them (our theory was that the diamond-encrusted watch was supposed to distract us from his hand work. That's how crazy the bling was!). And I also visited the main theater for a Saw-a-Lady-in-Half type of show. Now I saw The Prestige so I kind of had an idea how things worked. In fact, I'm not sure I really enjoyed the show because I was concentrating so hard on how they did it. Their names were Mark Something and Jinger...that's Ginger with a J. She wore the Vegas Magician's Assistant type spandex outfits and she twirled. She also did these weird interlude pieces where she would "set up" the next illusion with a little speech. Like before the Spirit Box one, she held a candle up to her face and said something semi-spooky about communicating with the dead. It wasn't a long speech just enough to get the Spirit Box in place so that she can get tied up in it and the "spirits" (aka Jinger) can make a ruckus. You know, now that I'm writing this, it looks like Jinger does everything. Well, she was the one getting cut in half and put in a small box and tied up. Not all at once because that wouldn't be magic, that would be serial killing.

Amenities of Room 1432: Vase of dead flowers. Slight of Hand Cream. No TV but Talking Ventriloquist Dummy.

Room 1142: Fit & Fresh

$50 Bed, Bath & Beyond gift card, people. Rumor had it that it was an Amazon card I was to receive but intel was off the mark. Hell. I don't care. I need towels and sheets. But did I end up with towels and sheets? No. I had to dream bigger. Blender! Yep. The fantasy started to come into focus: Me, delightfully dropping fresh fruit into my new blender, pressing a button and pouring into my glass a slammin' homemade smoothie. Won't those Skinny Bitch gals be proud? But do I spend the entire $50 on a blender? I have to admit I am taken with those glass ones. They just seem more sophisticated. Like I am serious about blending. No, I leave with a $20 blender. Hamilton Beach 10 Speed "Wave Action" for less ice chunks. Why the step down to a plastic blender? I had a wee bit of an ant problem so I wanted glass containers (I was going to get a "glass" something!) for my cereal and crackers. Also, I wanted a pitcher for iced tea (glass!). But most importantly, I saw this adorable all-inclusive salad container: The Salad Shaker from Fit & Fresh ("Fresh Ideas for Healthy Eating"). The "fresh ideas" include a place for a baby-sized knife and fork (bordering on spork), a tiny compartment for salad dressing and an ice pack- all in the lid! Tupperware for the anal retentive. ( I also went for the Lunch on the Go from Fit & Fresh. The lid can be used as a plate!) Holy crap. I love things that fit into other things and snap together...I love compartments. So when I saw those pseudo-bento boxes that gift card wept because it knew it was a goner. And I showed it no mercy.

Amenities of Room 1142: Dresser drawers within drawers with a side door. No new sheets or towels.

Room 1462: Long Way Down

Long Way Down is the sequel to Long Way Around.

I feel I must explain further. LWAround (Look! I'm coining a new abbreviation!) was a reality show on Bravo that followed Ewan McGregor (insert lusty growl here) and his Best Bud Charlie Boorman as they went around the world on motorcycles. I'm not big into motorcycles but other than that, it was a near-perfect show. Why? Because it had Ewan McGregor. Well, damn if they didn't listen to my prayers for a followup! LWDown (!) is on Fox Reality (Yep. It's a real channel that shows Temptation Island marathons) and it traces Ewan and Charlie's journey from John O'Groats, Scotland to Cape Town, South Africa. (PS: Hearing Ewan say John O'Groats causes me to ovulate.) OK. So it's not just Ewan that makes me love this show. It's Ewan and Charlie together. I have a secret love for Bro-Mances (Disclaimer: I did not coin this term. And probably wouldn't have, either). Guys that like to hang out with their guy friends and do guy things...in a lovable guy way (some bro-mance shenanigans border on fratty and that is a turn off. Such a fine line). So LWDown is a televised bro-mance. And I'm there every week! I'm very protective of Ewan and Charlie. On the first episode, Ewan's wife asked to join them for a leg of their journey. I took it personally. I know you're his wife and all and I understand that I have no chance but this trip is a Ewan-Charlie thing. Motorcycles only have two wheels, lady! Leave that third one in London!

Amenities of Room 1462: No Girls Allowed.

Room 1185: You Are What You Eat. Great.

There's a wee food shop in downtown LA called Organics To Go. You can get organic food...to go. Truth in advertising, people! You can walk in; pick up some healthy, semi-healthy, and quasi-healthy foodstuff and go. But only before parting with about ten dollars for a sandwich, chips and bottled water. Then they'll let you go. My bottled water of choice is Twist Organics water. It’s water with “Simply a twist of juice”. It’s from a company called Talking Rain so that gives you an idea of the new agey-ness we’re dealing with. My favorite part, though, is the instructions on the side: “As is Life, Chill for Best Results”. Yep.

Now why am I getting all organic-y? I still sort of blame PBS but now it has a new partner is crime: Skinny Bitch. It’s a nutrition book by a former model and a former modeling agent who are both hardcore vegans. Now, being a non-former model or agent, my first inclination was to hate them. But after reading their book, I really don’t think they would care. They tell us to “Shut the fuck up”, “Stop putting shit in your body” and “Don’t be a pussy”. I have to admit that I kind of like them. So I’ll try to listen to their advice. (The chapter on farm animal treatment is way harsh. It was very tempting to slip into fingers-in-ears, la-la-la mode.) But that advice will have to come in baby steps. Because I have two big reasons that may prevent me from being a veg: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love my traditional turkey dinners. (Well, if you call microwaveable Stovetop traditional…it is in my house!) And I don’t want to be the asshole that holds up the food ordering at restaurant with my “what’s in this?” routine. So I’ll start with incorporating some organic stuff, leaning toward veggie-ness. (Hell, I’ve even been to a vegan restaurant- thrice.) But I won’t worry about it. Instead, I’ll follow the advice of my Twist Organics water.

Amenities of Room 1185: Bamboo ice bucket. PETA approved mini bar. Belligerent wait staff.