Room 785: Valentine's Day

I guess I'm just now able to talk about it.

I ate movie theatre refreshment stand cheese pizza while wearing 3-D glasses...alone. Then I went to Ross and bought three non-practical bras and a basket for my magazines.

There is so much wrong with those last two sentences. Who goes to Ross for sexy bras? I guess I have a wee bit of a commitment issue if I can't part with more than $6 for a turquoise push-up. I have to confess, though, that I love them. But I am a little disappointed that I didn't search for matching panties. Never underestimate the power of a matching bra and panties. I find that the older I get the more I want to be matchy in my lingerie choices. Now, don't get me wrong: I don't have to be so matchy that the bra & panties match and/or compliment the outer garments. Because that's not sophisticated and sexy; that's obsessive compulsive.

Oh, and I concluded the holiday by hand-washing those bras and hanging them to dry.

Amenities of Room 785: Complimentary white robe that goes with the complimentary white slippers. That does not match the drapes.

Room 989: Planet Hollywood

Yes, they are still around.

I saw one a few months ago when I was in NYC. I don't need to see anymore. You see, I used to work at the PH in Chicago. In fact: I was Planet Hollywood. I was hired as host and then became a host trainer, then a server and then a server trainer and I also worked in the office on Sundays. I wore hideously busy shirts and vests and said "Welcome to Planet Hollywood. Are you here for dinner, drinks or just looking around?" (Side note: that was not the official greeting. I adopted it from my fellow host that I went on two dates with because he didn't want to admit that he was gay even though he was living in a city with an area called Boys Town.) During my two year stint on Wells Street, I served lots of Chicken Crunch (you know, chicken fingers breaded with Captain Crunch cereal. Sounds weird or yummy? It's both!), saw way too many prom dresses, went out drinking after almost every shift, held women back from touching Mel Gibson, served Michael Dorn AKA Lt. Worf from Next Generation, witnessed for the first time someone doing cocaine, made the mistake of being roommates with that someone, saw Charlie Sheen's brother in his underwear... in my home, learned all the lyrics to What a Man by Salt-n-Pepa, witnessed a server spit into a customer's coke, heard the Fugees for the first time, won $90 on the Kentucky Derby, flashed a surveillance camera, had money stolen, had one of my guests vomit daiquiri on the Terminator 2 statue, was named Host of the Quarter, served too many Bulls, Bears, Cubs & White Sox to mention, learned that Scottie Pippen was known as No Tippin' Pippen, and had to answer the phone with the hello "Thank you for calling Planet Hollywood, your answer to all your gift certificate and holiday party needs. This is Mandy. How may I help you?"

Yep. I'm done.

Amenities of Room 989: Unlimited refills of ice. Celebrity Hand Print wall feature. In room entertainment includes All Stallone, All the Time.

Room 630: 10,000 Steps

Yes, I watched Oprah's Best Life Week last week. I love that shit.

For those of you not in the know (i.e. women under 25 and men), Oprah had a thyroid condition which in turn inspired her to have a series of "master classes" on how to live your best life. (She kept saying "Put yourself on your To Do list!" But weirdly, she did not say it on Friday which was the Sex 101 episode. I think she missed an opportunity there.) Monday was an interview with her and also her trainer Bob Greene about how she gained a bunch of weight back (Hello Thyroid!). Tuesday was Dr. Oz. He told me to avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup (way ahead of you!), know your resting heart rate (way behind you!) and sleep. Oh, and walk 10,000 steps a day. So of course, I had to get out the pedometer. Yes, I own one. It was given to me as part of a work conference welcome packet. (Hey, it was better than the weird smelling plastic bottle we got the year before. Can water really be made to be unappetizing? Yes, in that bottle.) I clipped the pedometer to my belt and went about my day. I walked 7443 steps. So I'm guessing that I got about a B on that exam. I'm fine with that. I don't need to march in place at my desk for eight hours. I'm not an overachiever.

Wednesday was all about Spirituality. The panel was some spiritual lady who has an Oprah & Friends show on satellite radio, one of The Secret guys and some priest from Pasadena. He hasn't written a book so I'm not sure how he got on Oprah's radar. Anyway, I tried to really tune into what they were saying but every time they showed The Secret guy, I couldn't help but think he looked like Predator. Kind of hurled my spirituality out the window.

Thursday was Suze Orman. I have to admit that I've seen her show on CNBC. The SNL parody is pretty dead on. She says things like "OK Boyfriend, show me the money!" and "Girlfriend, what do you want to buy?" And people call in to ask her if they can afford to buy things. For instance, maybe some "Girlfriend!" wants a Gucci bag at nine hundred crazy-ass dollars. Suze asks for her numbers and Girlfriend! starts with her take home each month, then her mortgage and then she says "And in credit card debt, I have..." And Suze says "DENIED!" And she will deny you every time if you have one cent credit card debt. But time after time, people try to get her permission and each time they are DENIED! I ask the TV, "Haven't you seen this show?" And seriously, you're an adult. Do you need a shoulder-padded TV host's permission to buy something? If you are severely jonsin' for that Gucci bag, buy it and suffer the consequences. Think for yourself!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must await further life instructions from Oprah...

Amenities of Room 630: Amenities tailored according to Debt to Credit Ratio. Plus a complimentary basket of fiber and omega-3 fatty acids.

Room 1391: The Kennedy Center Honors

They make me cry.

Also, I wonder if Barbra Streisand knows who Ne-Yo is.

Also, I wonder who designed the actual Kennedy Center Honors medal.

Also, I wonder if George W. Bush hates going to these things.

Also, I wonder if Twyla Tharp could look more embarrassed.

Also, I wonder why they didn't honor The Who and not specifically Roger Daltry and Pete Townsend. Just because the other two are dead doesn't mean they don't also deserve props.

Also, I wonder why they didn't say "The Electric Company" or "Easy Reader" during Morgan Freeman's segment. Instead, they said "children's television show" and showed him playing a vampire bathing in a casket.

Also, I wonder if anyone else left the room during George Jones' part.

Amenities of Room 1391: Big Box of Tissues. And a Sense of Wonder.

Room 946: The World According to Gorp

Gorp aka Trail Mix aka Peanuts, Raisins and M&Ms.

Want to know what Gorp means? It means Good Old Raisins and Peanuts. And I knew that. I don't know why. But the big question is: why no love for the M&Ms? Shouldn't it be Gormp? (Apparently, the M&Ms were added later where they quickly out-shined the other two ingredients which led to massive discarding of raisins and peanuts.)

OK. Just checked Wikipedia. It can also be Granola Oats Raisins and Peanuts or Gobs of Raw Protein. The next big question is: Gorp has a Wikipedia entry? I guess it existed for the sole purpose to verify my claims that it meant Good Old Raisins and Peanuts (or Good Ole Raisins and Peanuts back in Dickensian times). For the record, I didn't write the Wikipedia entry.

Amenities of Room 946: Guest Only Reading Pantry, Green Onion Rum Paste, Glass Onyx Rabbit Poster, Ghostly Oil Red Plaque.

Room 768: Girls Just Want To Have Fun

The movie.

It was on TV tonight. And I watched it. Out of irony, I think. I had seen it on cable when I was in junior high maybe once or twice. OK, that’s a lie. I apparently saw it many times because I knew some dialogue word for word. I was simultaneously shocked and embarrassed and a wee bit impressed. Girls Just Want To Have Fun is a simple story: new Girl tries out for dance show, pairs up with Bad Boy dance partner, Rich Bitch rival makes trouble, Girl and Bad Boy win spot on dance show and, not surprisingly, fall in love. With one or two montages thrown in. The Girl who is aching for a little joy is none other than Sarah Jessica Parker in her transition from Square Pegs brunette to blondish Carrie Bradshaw. The Bad Boy is Lee Montgomery who is somewhere trying to not be recognized from Girls Just Want To Have Fun. And the Rich Bitch rival is someone who would later be on General Hospital for a brief time. GJWTHF (it’s the new LOL or LMAO) also features a young Jonathan Silverman and a young and non-angry Shannon Doherty. Netflix-ing yet? But wait! It also stars a young Helen Hunt! She’s the kooky best friend that encourages Sarah Jessica Parker to rebel and sneak out to try out for Dance TV. (Side note: it’s apparently Helen Hunt week in my house. I watched Twister the other day while cleaning. It’s not a great movie but you can Swiffer to it. And speaking of “Young Suchandsuch”, Twisterhas a young Philip Seymour Hoffman in a role where I could have sworn he would be an actor who would annoy me in every film he’s in. Who knew he would be brilliant? And here’s a little “Six Degrees” for you: Twister features Jami Gertz with a bad Southern accent. Jami Gertz’s first big role was on Square Pegs!) So go ahead. Pop in GJWTHF. Take a trip back to a time when synthesizers ruled the soundtracks. Recall the words you didn’t realize you knew to the song “Dancin’ in Heaven” that underscores the big dance off climax. And revel in the glory of the ‘80’s. How ‘80’s? The end credits to Girls Just Want To Have Fun are on a lavender background.

Amenities of Room 768: TV with the Mad About You channel. Wake up call from Cyndi Lauper. And courtesy leg warmers.

Room 1432: The Magic Castle

In LA there is a place...a castle, if you will...where magicians gather. It goes by the very descriptive name The Magic Castle. You have to be a member to get in. Yep, a member. It's a club where people join so that they can do magic or see others do magic. (And there's a restaurant!) But if you are not a member you can go in with a guest pass. And someone usually knows someone who is a member. Seriously, you think there are Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon? I guarantee you there are Two Degrees to a Magic Castle Member. Now if you are like me, your vision of the place is probably like Medieval Times with a some dude dressed like Merlin inviting you into the World of Illuuuuuuuuuuusssions. Turns out there are no strolling characters. Although the bartender tries to keep up the act of a ghost that plays piano but it's not cringe-worthy (In fact, Irma, the ghost, is pretty good. Just give her ghost parrot a dollar and she'll even do Michael Jackson's Beat It). The decor is very Haunted Mansion meets Sardi's except sans fake cobwebs and the caricatures on the wall are of famous magicians (there's a mini-alter to Harry Blackstone who used to be big in the '70s. It was he and Doug Henning that were the biggies that would hit the Merv Griffin Show and the Mike Douglas Show. I also seem to recall some "variety" specials. Now all we have is David Blaine. Oh '70s, I miss your grade of cheese). The layout of the castle is kind of Winchester Mystery House: there's an upstairs and a downstairs and another downstairs and weird hallways and rooms and creepy dolls. Yeah, I couldn't concentrate on some guy showing me card tricks because there was an old creepy doll displayed on the wall. There are a few different show venues within the Castle. A small one had a Fabio wannabe with crazy bling do card tricks up close and I still have no idea how he did them (our theory was that the diamond-encrusted watch was supposed to distract us from his hand work. That's how crazy the bling was!). And I also visited the main theater for a Saw-a-Lady-in-Half type of show. Now I saw The Prestige so I kind of had an idea how things worked. In fact, I'm not sure I really enjoyed the show because I was concentrating so hard on how they did it. Their names were Mark Something and Jinger...that's Ginger with a J. She wore the Vegas Magician's Assistant type spandex outfits and she twirled. She also did these weird interlude pieces where she would "set up" the next illusion with a little speech. Like before the Spirit Box one, she held a candle up to her face and said something semi-spooky about communicating with the dead. It wasn't a long speech just enough to get the Spirit Box in place so that she can get tied up in it and the "spirits" (aka Jinger) can make a ruckus. You know, now that I'm writing this, it looks like Jinger does everything. Well, she was the one getting cut in half and put in a small box and tied up. Not all at once because that wouldn't be magic, that would be serial killing.

Amenities of Room 1432: Vase of dead flowers. Slight of Hand Cream. No TV but Talking Ventriloquist Dummy.