Room 992: H & M

AKA Hennes & Mauritz. From Sweden. Like IKEA. Warning: Swedish meatballs are not sold at H&M.

I'm very t-shirts and jeans but every once in a while I aspire to some modest fashion heights. Mainly, a half step up from t-shirts and jeans, which I guess would be a patterned t-shirty blouse and, well, jeans. (Side note: I go through shirts a lot because I get holes in them. Either I lean up against my desk too much or I have daggers in my bellybutton.) I've done the Ross thing, the Target thing and even the Forever 21 thing (but I don't have patience for Ross or Forever 21. You really have to plot out some time and dig through the racks. And frankly, I don't have that much will). So a friend introduced me to the H&M, otherwise known as Inexpensive & Trendy. It's Gap-y clothes mixed in with weird Euro cut numbers. Mostly stuff made in China but surprisingly, also made in Romania and Turkey. Who knew I would be sporting the latest looks from Bulgaria? And honestly, this is about the extent of my relationship with Eastern Europe. H&M shirts and some ball bouncing men. In my sports subset of my lust types are English football players (see Steven Gerrard MBE) and Eastern European basketball players (see Tony Kukoc of the Chicago Bulls circa 1995 and the current Laker whose name I don't remember but he is all lanky and Slavic). Back to H&M. My first visit was at Toronto's Big Ass Mall (I just did a search and it's actually called Toronto Eaton Centre. I was close). I, the style-naive American, was overwhelmed by the random patterns and bright colors as well as my gay male co-worker's attempts to sell me on a dress that was very Naughty Nurse. In the end, though, I came away with a non-slutty dress, a cardigan and a misty glimpse of my fashionista future.

Amenities of Room 992: Separate dressing area complete with long line. Bedroom set with extra screws and multi-lingual instructions. And the NBA on ESPN.

Room 1385: Jolt Cola

"All the sugar and twice the caffeine."

I haven't tasted a Jolt Cola in about two decades but I now own a pair of earrings made from Jolt Cola bottle caps and featuring bright yellow peace signs hanging beneath. Ah yes, Venice Beach. I could have bought a framed pencil drawing of Angelina Jolie or a glass ornament with Chinese Astrology characters on it. But the earrings were only eight bucks and as a Year of the Pig gal, I wasn't loving the hand painted swine. But I don't normally wear earrings. Especially dangly ones. I did wear them the night I bought them. My friend bought a pair of Dr. Pepper ones and I sported mine in solidarity. I was completely conscious of them at all times. And not just because they were dangly. But because I had on a peasant top and those earrings and the feeling that I was channeling Luna Lovegood.

I have a specific memory of Jolt Cola from high school. I was a junior and somehow found myself on the Academic Team. Now at my high school, you didn't "try out" for the team, you just sort of showed up. Needless to say, we were not the top team in our county. I only remember going to one match that year. We lost. But we spent the remainder of the evening driving all over Brevard County in search of Jolt Cola. We went home losers again. No Jolt. (Side note: I was on the Academic Team as a senior, too. I felt the need to stick with it because I was chosen to represent my HS as a student helper at the National Academic Bowl at Disney World. I "helped" with one match and spent the rest of the time at the Magic Kingdom. The other helpers and I also went to Sea World and mocked some poor dude who had to sing Piano Man to tourists. That was one of the few times that I was consciously obnoxious. It felt really good.)

Amenities of Room 1385: Empty mini bar. Complimentary copy of Billy Joel's Greatest Hits. Room located next to gift shop.

Room 1036: No!No!

So you say you love the smell of burnt hair? Well have I got a product for you! No!No! (yep, that's the name) is the at home hair removal system. Sorry, Professional At Home Hair Removal System. I know, if it's "at home", is it really "professional"? I'll take their marketing for it.
I first saw No!No! (isn't that adorable?) featured on Today. And promptly went to Sephora and bought one. Damn you, Today Show! (You can't see me right now but I'm shaking my fist.) The No!No! looks suspiciously like an electric razor (No!No! comes in different colors. I chose bright pink...yep, because if you're going to be vain, make a ChickLit statement. Pour yourself a Sour Apple Martini, discuss length vs. girth, and enjoy the odor!). The fancy little set also comes complete with long hair blades, stubble blades, a "Buffer" for buffing away hair parts, a cleaning brush and a bag to put it in. So you can take it with you and No!No! on the go. Because we often have spare hours in the day to slowly and methodically incinerate hair off our bodies.
Here's the technical lowdown as I understand it: a magic wire heats up, decapitating the hair shaft and a blade scraps the top layer of dead skin while you inhale it all. The instructional DVD suggests that you start with a flat surface. Well, body flat as in legs and arms. After you master the slow glide (watch that indicator light, kids!), you graduate to knees, pits, and bikini. It warns you not to use it on your face (Really? No burning wire on my face? Huh.) as well as your nipples or genitals. And I will leave that last part right where it is.
I've used it twice (it's perfect to use during non-essential TV like tonight's AFI 10 Top 10s where I had to keep putting down the No!No! to write down what movies I haven't seen...like most of the the top ten epics, gangster movies, and westerns). So far it works. It shaves the hair and apparently in a few months it is supposed to reduce the density of the hair. ChickLit moment: Oh my God, my hair is fat, too?

Amenities of Room 1036: Glade candles, Netflix copy of Titanic, and an old unused razor dispenser.

Room 1298: Ditty Bags!

From Merriam-Webster:
ditty bag
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: circa 1860
: a bag used especially by sailors to hold small articles (as needles and thread)

Or used by children in the seventies when visiting relatives in Arkansas for the summer. Yep. I had a ditty bag. I plan on using the term ditty bag as much as possible in this entry. Ditty. Bag. My ditty bag was trapezoidal in shape, dark blue (or was it black?) with plastic handles and a place for a name tag on the side. I used it to transport the cap gun and caps that I bought with my brother and cousins at the Davis Store (which inexplicably became the Davis Monument Store, as in headstones. I guess the cap gun market is rough) as well as a Malibu Ken doll that my cousin Dawn made me buy (she had a mismatched Barbie/Ken set and needed me to right her wrong). I still wish I had that ditty bag. It would be damn convenient. Carry on size and very Pan Am circa 1950. It should have come with a fedora and some horn-rimmed glasses.
I just did a Google image search and could not find my ditty bag! Oh the kids today with their fancy, colorful, designer ditty bags. (Paisley ditty bags go against all of my core values. And I won't even speak of the leather ditty bag with fringe...blasphemy!) They just don't know. Life was so innocent back when a child could carry a facsimile of a weapon onto an airplane in good old fashioned ditty bag.

Ditty Bag.

Amenities of Room 1298: Powder burns from cap "torpedo". Complimentary plastic Pan Am wings. And a free small, zippered container that doesn't have a name.

Room 689: Karaoke!

Yes, people still do this. I participated in this ritual yesterday. I mean actively...as in, I sang. More than once. Questions about alcohol quantity are filling your brain, aren't they? I only had one beer and that was at the sushi place (Sushi and Karaoke? I guess it was Japanese Stereotype Night. But no, I was not dressed as an Anime character). What did I sing? Most people were doing standards and Broadway stuff so I had to be a sliver of rebelliousness and do rock songs. First I sang "Where is My Mind?" by The Pixies (Side note: just saw a documentary on The Pixies reunion tour. After their first show of the tour, Kim Deal came offstage and immersed her hand in the ice tub filled with bottled water. She also had a mean-ass blister on one of her fingers. I feel her pain...sort of. As I'm typing this the tip of my index finger on my left hand is tingly numb from my bass lessons...Bass Lessons! I got my job to pay for lessons as a part of a "professional development fund"...suckers). I then did backup as my friend sang The Dixie Chicks "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice" (More rebellion: Country!) And then I finished the evening (or my portion of the evening that ended at 9) with a rousing rendition of Hole's "Miss World". I hate to toot my own horn but I was pretty good. So toot toot, motherfuckers!

Amenities of Room 689: Complimentary Mr. Microphone. Room Service Spicy Tuna Roll Special. Neck pillow for more comfortable Headbanging.

Room 880: Lucky Cats

Don't know what Lucky Cats are? Apparently, you've never been to Little Tokyo or the Sherman Oaks Curves. Lucky Cats are idols that...well...bring good luck (the Japanese name is Maneki Neko. Learned something new? You're welcome). They are cute and look like they are waiting for a high five (and they wear a "Don't leave me hangin'" expression as well). They are to be placed near the entrances of homes or in shop windows (alas, no luck for the Curves: their cat is stuck in the corner by the stretching mats). I guess the theory is that luck is sucked in by the good fortune-laden kitty statues and then permeated into the house and into its residents. OK, why not? I have two lucky cats that I am sure are very authentic that I bought at Epcot. They are about an inch and a half tall (they can be any size) and come with a little pamphlet describing the types of luck. Different colored Lucky Cats give you different kinds of luck or strength or whatever. "Green will bring strength in academics" (but I'm out of school). "Silver will give you patience" (but I want my luck now). And "Pink will bring you romance and new friends" (new, romantic friends?). And so on, you get the point. My first instinct was to buy one of each because, hey, let's hit this luck thing from every angle. Turns out, that's not very cost effective (this is Epcot, remember). So I opted for the two most general, as all encompassing luck as possible: "The white cat will bring you good luck and happiness" (right on) and "gold will make your dreams come true and bring you good luck in wealth" (double right on). Luck, happiness, dream fulfillment and wealth. Sorry, pink cat, looks like I can now buy those romantic friends.

Amenities of Room 880: Luck. That's all.

Room 599: Burt's Bees Do It...

I've recently discovered a new quirk of mine (and damn if those quirks aren't appearing more and more frequently) which is this: I get excited when it's Pledge Week. I have three PBS stations and every weekend I search them all (I blame Rick Steves and Rudy Maxa and those crazy kids at Globetrekker. I love me some travel shows. And now every Saturday morning I check to see what cities they are in. I call those shows the Gateway PBS. And I'm recording a Frontline tonight. See! I've gone hardcore. Where's my Charlie Rose Bobblehead?). So a few weeks ago, I recorded four Pledge Drive specials: Ten (something) to Happiness with Deepak Chopra, Your Warranty (or something like that) with Dr. Michael Roizen, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life with Dr. Daniel Amen and Detoxify Your Life (again, something like that) with Brenda Watson. (Side note: Even though I don't quite remember the names of these specials, I sure as shit remember what was said. I took notes! And I even had the geek-acy to show my co-workers these notes...somehow I was proud of them.) Anyway, so now, thanks to Deepak, I know that one of the keys to happiness (Ten Keys! That's what it was) is to "relinquish your need for external approval" (I typed that really well, don't you think?). And because of Dr. Roizen, I now know to get the wax out of my ears and floss. And according to Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, I shouldn't do heroin because it leaves gaping holes in your brain matter (Caffeine does, too, but I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that it is not as extreme as heroin. So just cut down to one Mountain Dew a day, okay?). All three of those guys mentioned detoxing. And that was Brenda Watson's whole production. She had her cute acronym RENEW! Reduce toxin exposure, Eliminate toxins, Nourish the body, Energize, Wellness. (I suspect the last two were fill-ins. She didn't like the sound of REN.) So what it boils down to is this: Brenda thinks I need to eat only organic foods, get an air-purifier, get water filters for sinks AND shower (I'll bet the water pressure with those is marvelous!), and watch what personal products I use. So no petroleum. formaldehyde, sodium laurel sulfate, phthalates, parabens, toxic metals, etc. in my moisturizer. Easy as pie, right? Not really, unless you like your pie filled with parabens. Parabens are like the High Fructose Corn Syrup of beauty products. (Side note: I blame Dr. Andrew Weil for freaking me out about High Fructose Corn Syrup. I now spend about ten minutes in the bread aisle trying to find a loaf without that crap. I think PBS is giving me OCD.) So because of those friggin' parabens being in my sunscreen, face wash, moisturizer, body wash, lotion, shampoo, conditioner and lip balm, I had to replace them all with Burt's Bees (now owned by Clorox but the website assures me that the ingredients are still the same old hippie stuff). My bathroom is now a Burt's Bees showroom. And I am all (or at least 98%) natural and on my way to toxin free. I just pray that the next Pledge Drive special isn't Shut Off the TV, Save Your Eyes!

Amenities of Room 599: Complimentary gas mask. Note pad and pen. Room presented in part by the generous support of the Doris Duke Foundation.