Room 1185: You Are What You Eat. Great.

There's a wee food shop in downtown LA called Organics To Go. You can get organic food...to go. Truth in advertising, people! You can walk in; pick up some healthy, semi-healthy, and quasi-healthy foodstuff and go. But only before parting with about ten dollars for a sandwich, chips and bottled water. Then they'll let you go. My bottled water of choice is Twist Organics water. It’s water with “Simply a twist of juice”. It’s from a company called Talking Rain so that gives you an idea of the new agey-ness we’re dealing with. My favorite part, though, is the instructions on the side: “As is Life, Chill for Best Results”. Yep.

Now why am I getting all organic-y? I still sort of blame PBS but now it has a new partner is crime: Skinny Bitch. It’s a nutrition book by a former model and a former modeling agent who are both hardcore vegans. Now, being a non-former model or agent, my first inclination was to hate them. But after reading their book, I really don’t think they would care. They tell us to “Shut the fuck up”, “Stop putting shit in your body” and “Don’t be a pussy”. I have to admit that I kind of like them. So I’ll try to listen to their advice. (The chapter on farm animal treatment is way harsh. It was very tempting to slip into fingers-in-ears, la-la-la mode.) But that advice will have to come in baby steps. Because I have two big reasons that may prevent me from being a veg: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love my traditional turkey dinners. (Well, if you call microwaveable Stovetop traditional…it is in my house!) And I don’t want to be the asshole that holds up the food ordering at restaurant with my “what’s in this?” routine. So I’ll start with incorporating some organic stuff, leaning toward veggie-ness. (Hell, I’ve even been to a vegan restaurant- thrice.) But I won’t worry about it. Instead, I’ll follow the advice of my Twist Organics water.

Amenities of Room 1185: Bamboo ice bucket. PETA approved mini bar. Belligerent wait staff.

Room 956: Passion Party

It's a Tupperware Party but substitute Tupperware with vibrators. I attended one. Willing, in fact. The entertainment value was too much to pass up. Yes, I purchased some items...to be polite. And ended up burning my thumb but picking up a candle from the top of the votive cup. But hey, as I always say: it isn't a Passion Party 'til someone gives themselves a second degree burn.

Amenities of Room 956: First Aid kit with sensual scented ointments. Anonymous Check In.

Room 1046: Wookie Cookies Cookbook

Yes, a Star Wars themed cookbook. The cover features a Chewbacca action figure surrounded by cookies. And many of the recipes are accompanied by Star Wars figures in various poses, illustrating the food. For instance, for Han -burgers, Han Solo is on a toy Millennium Falcon shooting ketchup from his blaster onto a burger while Stormtroopers look on. And there's a group of Jawas carrying a glass of Jawa Jive Milkshake. Inside, you will also find Greedo's Burritos, Boba Fett-uccine, Hoth Chocolate, and Tuskan Raider Taters. And as a bonus, in the back are stickers to label the food that say things like "Use the fork, Luke".

Don't you feel the world is a better place with this book in it?

Amenities of Room 1046: Continental breakfast featuring Princess Leia Danish Dos.

Room 1376: Target's $1 Aisle

I bought a mini globe and three sets of educational flash cards. Four dollars, bitches!

First set was the United States Flash Cards featuring 52 cards (52! Besides all 50 and DC, there is a bonus card with a map of the US and all the states listed on the back. In case you forgot!). Fun Fact from the New Mexico card: its motto is Crescit Eundo which means "It Grows as It Goes". Yes, I giggled. Makes me want to drive to Santa Fe just to make jokes.

Second was the US Presidents. 48 cards. (No response, huh? Well, if you knew or cared about your presidents you would know that there are only 43 so far. I knew. I learned it from these flash cards. The other 5, by the way, are dedicated to president-related landmarks: the White House, Mount Rushmore, Lincoln Memorial, Washington Memorial and Jefferson Memorial. The White House card has a quote from John Adams on it: "May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof." Silly Adams.) Fun Fact from the James Madison card: His portrait was on the $5,000 bill. I know! There was a $5,000 bill? Damn. That's a lot of flash cards.

And the third set I bought is the Landmarks cards. 36 of them. Each have a picture of the landmark on the front (i.e. the Eiffel Tower or Machu Picchu) and on the back the name, where it's located, and a brief description. Fun Fact from China: these cards were made there but they failed to include one on the Great Wall. Either someone was modest or someone missed a printing deadline.

Amenities of Room 1376: Next to vending area which takes large bills. Room Service Menu in deck form. It Grows as It Goes on Pay Per View.

Room 992: H & M

AKA Hennes & Mauritz. From Sweden. Like IKEA. Warning: Swedish meatballs are not sold at H&M.

I'm very t-shirts and jeans but every once in a while I aspire to some modest fashion heights. Mainly, a half step up from t-shirts and jeans, which I guess would be a patterned t-shirty blouse and, well, jeans. (Side note: I go through shirts a lot because I get holes in them. Either I lean up against my desk too much or I have daggers in my bellybutton.) I've done the Ross thing, the Target thing and even the Forever 21 thing (but I don't have patience for Ross or Forever 21. You really have to plot out some time and dig through the racks. And frankly, I don't have that much will). So a friend introduced me to the H&M, otherwise known as Inexpensive & Trendy. It's Gap-y clothes mixed in with weird Euro cut numbers. Mostly stuff made in China but surprisingly, also made in Romania and Turkey. Who knew I would be sporting the latest looks from Bulgaria? And honestly, this is about the extent of my relationship with Eastern Europe. H&M shirts and some ball bouncing men. In my sports subset of my lust types are English football players (see Steven Gerrard MBE) and Eastern European basketball players (see Tony Kukoc of the Chicago Bulls circa 1995 and the current Laker whose name I don't remember but he is all lanky and Slavic). Back to H&M. My first visit was at Toronto's Big Ass Mall (I just did a search and it's actually called Toronto Eaton Centre. I was close). I, the style-naive American, was overwhelmed by the random patterns and bright colors as well as my gay male co-worker's attempts to sell me on a dress that was very Naughty Nurse. In the end, though, I came away with a non-slutty dress, a cardigan and a misty glimpse of my fashionista future.

Amenities of Room 992: Separate dressing area complete with long line. Bedroom set with extra screws and multi-lingual instructions. And the NBA on ESPN.

Room 1385: Jolt Cola

"All the sugar and twice the caffeine."

I haven't tasted a Jolt Cola in about two decades but I now own a pair of earrings made from Jolt Cola bottle caps and featuring bright yellow peace signs hanging beneath. Ah yes, Venice Beach. I could have bought a framed pencil drawing of Angelina Jolie or a glass ornament with Chinese Astrology characters on it. But the earrings were only eight bucks and as a Year of the Pig gal, I wasn't loving the hand painted swine. But I don't normally wear earrings. Especially dangly ones. I did wear them the night I bought them. My friend bought a pair of Dr. Pepper ones and I sported mine in solidarity. I was completely conscious of them at all times. And not just because they were dangly. But because I had on a peasant top and those earrings and the feeling that I was channeling Luna Lovegood.

I have a specific memory of Jolt Cola from high school. I was a junior and somehow found myself on the Academic Team. Now at my high school, you didn't "try out" for the team, you just sort of showed up. Needless to say, we were not the top team in our county. I only remember going to one match that year. We lost. But we spent the remainder of the evening driving all over Brevard County in search of Jolt Cola. We went home losers again. No Jolt. (Side note: I was on the Academic Team as a senior, too. I felt the need to stick with it because I was chosen to represent my HS as a student helper at the National Academic Bowl at Disney World. I "helped" with one match and spent the rest of the time at the Magic Kingdom. The other helpers and I also went to Sea World and mocked some poor dude who had to sing Piano Man to tourists. That was one of the few times that I was consciously obnoxious. It felt really good.)

Amenities of Room 1385: Empty mini bar. Complimentary copy of Billy Joel's Greatest Hits. Room located next to gift shop.

Room 1036: No!No!

So you say you love the smell of burnt hair? Well have I got a product for you! No!No! (yep, that's the name) is the at home hair removal system. Sorry, Professional At Home Hair Removal System. I know, if it's "at home", is it really "professional"? I'll take their marketing for it.
I first saw No!No! (isn't that adorable?) featured on Today. And promptly went to Sephora and bought one. Damn you, Today Show! (You can't see me right now but I'm shaking my fist.) The No!No! looks suspiciously like an electric razor (No!No! comes in different colors. I chose bright pink...yep, because if you're going to be vain, make a ChickLit statement. Pour yourself a Sour Apple Martini, discuss length vs. girth, and enjoy the odor!). The fancy little set also comes complete with long hair blades, stubble blades, a "Buffer" for buffing away hair parts, a cleaning brush and a bag to put it in. So you can take it with you and No!No! on the go. Because we often have spare hours in the day to slowly and methodically incinerate hair off our bodies.
Here's the technical lowdown as I understand it: a magic wire heats up, decapitating the hair shaft and a blade scraps the top layer of dead skin while you inhale it all. The instructional DVD suggests that you start with a flat surface. Well, body flat as in legs and arms. After you master the slow glide (watch that indicator light, kids!), you graduate to knees, pits, and bikini. It warns you not to use it on your face (Really? No burning wire on my face? Huh.) as well as your nipples or genitals. And I will leave that last part right where it is.
I've used it twice (it's perfect to use during non-essential TV like tonight's AFI 10 Top 10s where I had to keep putting down the No!No! to write down what movies I haven't seen...like most of the the top ten epics, gangster movies, and westerns). So far it works. It shaves the hair and apparently in a few months it is supposed to reduce the density of the hair. ChickLit moment: Oh my God, my hair is fat, too?

Amenities of Room 1036: Glade candles, Netflix copy of Titanic, and an old unused razor dispenser.