Room 493: ANTS!

I killed about a thousand ants in my kitchen this evening. And that is not an exaggeration. They came in through the wall, found the dog dish and swarmed. I consider myself to be someone who loves all living creatures but these ants don't pay rent here and I consider this to be a home invasion. You know, so it was self-defense.

Amenities of Room 493: Complimentary window cleaner. Special rate for Anger Management Workshop.

Room 740: Netflix

Once again, late to the party. Couldn't justify Netflix before. Had cable. But I've recently downgraded to good ole fashioned antenna and need to supplement the twelve PBS stations I have (Don't get me wrong. As you know, I love the shit out of my PBSes but they tend to have the same shows on them. And I don't really need to see the same Masterpiece Mystery Miss Marple movie twice. I know who did it).

So I signed up for the $4.95 a month plan on Netflix. And hell yeah! Two week free trial before I'm charged. Now the $4.95 plan is one DVD at a time, 2 max a month. I own and have borrowed a few DVDs that I have yet to watch. Ergo, basic plan. You know, supplement the library I already have. Logical, right? Watch one Netflix, watch one borrowed, watch one of mine, then watch the other Netflix for the month and get nothing done. Well, the two week trial ended yesterday and I've already upgraded to the $8.95 plan (one at a time, unlimited a month...unlimited!). What happened to my brilliant, logical plan? One word: Torchwood. It was a two DVD set. The first DVD wasn't available right away so I got something else (The Extras Christmas Special...I now have closure). I sent it back and TWO days later my next selection arrived: the first disc of Torchwood, Children of Earth. Yes, I watched it immediately. So now, with the $4.95-er, I would have to wait another week and a half to see Ianto die (Damned if that Entertainment Weekly didn't spoil that. I guess it didn't care because it wasn't Twilight. And dear EW, would you be so kind as to lay off the Twilight covers. I haven't read the books or seen the movie. And I'm getting that rebellious feeling that I get when everyone tells me how great something is and how I should see it and so I say a silent "F-You" and refuse to see it and I feel all cool and non-conformist when really no one cares that I don't see it. So because of that I'll probably Netflix that bitch). Back to Ianto dying. I didn't wait the week and a half because, as I spoiled above, I upgraded to $8.95 before I ever had to pay $4.95.

I also have about 70 DVDs already lined up in my queue.

Amenities of Room 740: No Cable. Complimentary paperback of Twilight, unread. Free upgrade, two weeks only.

Room 974: Random Poetry

I don't visit the realm of poetry much but I came across these pieces in my journal. Am I ready for a Slam?

Laundromat Haiku

Guy:
A Quarter Needed:
Underwear and Two Socks
Are Within My Grasp

Girl:
A Quarter Given:
Now Wash Those Boxer Briefs
To a Wint'ry White


The Ciao! Limerick

There once was a man from Torino
Who lived in a topless casino
He threw the die
Smack in the eye
He hit a woman with a Pinot

Midnight Cow

At the strike of twelve
She Grazes
Cud chompin'
Hoof shufflin'
Faint Cowbell


Full disclosure: This is what comes out when I sit down to write real stuff. Clarification: This is what came out before the advent of Facebook quizzes.

Amenities of Room 974: Iambic Pentameter TV Guide. Laundry service.

Room 622: Online Sudoku

I rarely opted for Sudoku in the past (Side note: somehow I want to pronounce soo-doo-koe and not soo-doe-koo. I'm sorry, I forgot to ask you if you cared). Mainly when at my mechanics when the local paper was the only viable reading option besides car magazines and Better Homes and Gardens (you know, for us gals!). I would do the crossword puzzle and then tackle the Sudoku. Mostly in an effort to appear engrossed in something as to avoid going out to lunch with the owner. Very nice man who pays for lunch (it's the least he can do since I shell out quite a bit of money to his establishment) although one time he did start massaging my shoulders and that was a wee bit creepy (not during lunch because it would be hard to chew with that going on but rather when I was waiting to get my car keys and flee). I was OK with the free lunch (obviously! Free. Lunch.) and the French song CD he burned for me (I know! A mix tape! I chalked it up to the holidays) but the rubbing of the shoulders? I've worked in many theatres and I'm not easily sexually-harassed but yeah: Weird.

Anyway, Sudoku. I also would do them on airplanes. I would get quite pissed if the ones in the in flight magazine in my seat back pocket were already done. But I would delight if just the "Easy" one was done. And in pencil. Amateurs! But as of late, I've found myself obsessed with online sudoku. Maybe it's because I know I'm being bad! Our IS department at work blocked some sites mostly ones with the word "games" anywhere on the page (killjoys). But the not-blocked realage.com has a section on Keeping Your Brain Sharp. Lo and behold, it contains online crossword puzzles and not one but TWO different versions of Sudoku. And one of the versions has four different levels of difficulty each day while the other increases in difficulty as the week goes (kind of like the New York Times crossword with Sunday being the hardest). Are you salivating? I am!

So now I have the daily ritual of doing online sudoku. In the comfort of my massage-free office.

Amenities of Room 622: Mandatory Spa Services. Complimentary lunch with staff. Word Find Emergency Instructions.

Room 398: Good Belly

Yet another product designed to make me feel good about my food choices (like the vegetable chips). And it's organic! Just pull the cap off and suck face with the Good Belly plastic cup:



And try not to think about the image of fruit juice oozing out of eyeballs.

Amenities of Room 398: Workout Room. Open Face Sandwiches for lunch.

Room 588: Warner Brothers Poster Issue #1

My neighborhood movie studio is Warner Brothers. My dog and I walk by a few of their buildings everyday. So when a new poster goes up, I go “Oh” and Mallory pees for the sixth time. Well one night, I turned the corner and was slapped in the face with the Orphan poster AKA New Creepy Child Movie. “There’s Something Wrong With Esther” is the tagline. Yeah, there’s something wrong: Esther immediately reminded me of the Shining Twins (I still wince at those bitches but they did inspire the name of this blog so it’s Love-Hate). The Big Head of Esther stares at you blankly while you pick up dog droppings. She even has the gall to reflect herself in the windows of apartment buildings just to make sure our walks are nice and uneasy. I’m happy to report, though, that I’m getting used to her and even imagine that she is the Poor Relations of the Grady Twins. Like they laugh at Esther and her singleness. Not that they can laugh since they only have the one emotion: creepy.

Amenities of Room 588: Pet friendly room. Mirrored closet doors. Special End of the Hallway Suite.

Room 589: Warner Brothers Poster Issue #2

The Time Traveler’s Wife poster went up. The movie comes out in August. I now only have until August to read the book.

Amenities of Room 589: No Bible. 24 Hour Ten Commandments Channel.