Room 989: Planet Hollywood

Yes, they are still around.

I saw one a few months ago when I was in NYC. I don't need to see anymore. You see, I used to work at the PH in Chicago. In fact: I was Planet Hollywood. I was hired as host and then became a host trainer, then a server and then a server trainer and I also worked in the office on Sundays. I wore hideously busy shirts and vests and said "Welcome to Planet Hollywood. Are you here for dinner, drinks or just looking around?" (Side note: that was not the official greeting. I adopted it from my fellow host that I went on two dates with because he didn't want to admit that he was gay even though he was living in a city with an area called Boys Town.) During my two year stint on Wells Street, I served lots of Chicken Crunch (you know, chicken fingers breaded with Captain Crunch cereal. Sounds weird or yummy? It's both!), saw way too many prom dresses, went out drinking after almost every shift, held women back from touching Mel Gibson, served Michael Dorn AKA Lt. Worf from Next Generation, witnessed for the first time someone doing cocaine, made the mistake of being roommates with that someone, saw Charlie Sheen's brother in his underwear... in my home, learned all the lyrics to What a Man by Salt-n-Pepa, witnessed a server spit into a customer's coke, heard the Fugees for the first time, won $90 on the Kentucky Derby, flashed a surveillance camera, had money stolen, had one of my guests vomit daiquiri on the Terminator 2 statue, was named Host of the Quarter, served too many Bulls, Bears, Cubs & White Sox to mention, learned that Scottie Pippen was known as No Tippin' Pippen, and had to answer the phone with the hello "Thank you for calling Planet Hollywood, your answer to all your gift certificate and holiday party needs. This is Mandy. How may I help you?"

Yep. I'm done.

Amenities of Room 989: Unlimited refills of ice. Celebrity Hand Print wall feature. In room entertainment includes All Stallone, All the Time.

Room 630: 10,000 Steps

Yes, I watched Oprah's Best Life Week last week. I love that shit.

For those of you not in the know (i.e. women under 25 and men), Oprah had a thyroid condition which in turn inspired her to have a series of "master classes" on how to live your best life. (She kept saying "Put yourself on your To Do list!" But weirdly, she did not say it on Friday which was the Sex 101 episode. I think she missed an opportunity there.) Monday was an interview with her and also her trainer Bob Greene about how she gained a bunch of weight back (Hello Thyroid!). Tuesday was Dr. Oz. He told me to avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup (way ahead of you!), know your resting heart rate (way behind you!) and sleep. Oh, and walk 10,000 steps a day. So of course, I had to get out the pedometer. Yes, I own one. It was given to me as part of a work conference welcome packet. (Hey, it was better than the weird smelling plastic bottle we got the year before. Can water really be made to be unappetizing? Yes, in that bottle.) I clipped the pedometer to my belt and went about my day. I walked 7443 steps. So I'm guessing that I got about a B on that exam. I'm fine with that. I don't need to march in place at my desk for eight hours. I'm not an overachiever.

Wednesday was all about Spirituality. The panel was some spiritual lady who has an Oprah & Friends show on satellite radio, one of The Secret guys and some priest from Pasadena. He hasn't written a book so I'm not sure how he got on Oprah's radar. Anyway, I tried to really tune into what they were saying but every time they showed The Secret guy, I couldn't help but think he looked like Predator. Kind of hurled my spirituality out the window.

Thursday was Suze Orman. I have to admit that I've seen her show on CNBC. The SNL parody is pretty dead on. She says things like "OK Boyfriend, show me the money!" and "Girlfriend, what do you want to buy?" And people call in to ask her if they can afford to buy things. For instance, maybe some "Girlfriend!" wants a Gucci bag at nine hundred crazy-ass dollars. Suze asks for her numbers and Girlfriend! starts with her take home each month, then her mortgage and then she says "And in credit card debt, I have..." And Suze says "DENIED!" And she will deny you every time if you have one cent credit card debt. But time after time, people try to get her permission and each time they are DENIED! I ask the TV, "Haven't you seen this show?" And seriously, you're an adult. Do you need a shoulder-padded TV host's permission to buy something? If you are severely jonsin' for that Gucci bag, buy it and suffer the consequences. Think for yourself!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must await further life instructions from Oprah...

Amenities of Room 630: Amenities tailored according to Debt to Credit Ratio. Plus a complimentary basket of fiber and omega-3 fatty acids.